Cookies and Ice Cream Are Evil

Cookies and ice cream are evil, bringing out the ghost in me. I am inviting negativity into my life. They are infected with hopes that something will change, somehow life will be different. After they are chewed and swallowed or just swallowed, reality sets in. Nothing ever changes. They are evil when they are on the outside of me and they are evil when they are inside of me. I feel so awful, so disgusted with myself. In the beginning I did not know any better so I could forgive myself. Now, after all these years I must know better and yet I continue, knowing that the food is infected with hopes and dreams of what could be. I become a zombie to the food, allowing it to take over as I listen to the voice and its instructions. It tells me that I can have everything I have ever wanted in my life if I listen and do exactly what I am instructed. I agree and wait patiently. I am apprehensive about what is next. How could this voice in my head know how to fix what doesn't work in my life? I feel as though I am wearing earphones that I can never take off. Someone has used superglue to keep them in place, knowing that I would grow tired and give in to the suggestions that were being offered.

I have not always been this way. I used to be happy, filled with joy, contentment and peace - What happened? I forgot who I was-I thought I needed to be different to be loved. I forgot that I am love. It is by loving myself that I feel loved. In one second I lost what it took me forever to find- Myself- or did it?

Maybe I am hiding because I feel more comfortable with the voice telling me that love is outside of me-that I need to prove to the world that I am worthy of that love. So I move around trying to find my place. Moving would be easier than sitting here, in this moment, acknowledging that I am afraid to be alone with myself. Saddened by the events that have brought me to this moment and yet feeling blessed because I would not be the person I am today without them.

So maybe-just maybe- the cookies and the ice cream are gifts. They are giving me the opportunity to choose differently, to believe in myself, to believe that I am capable of changing the voice that has been playing in my head. I can change the way I see myself and the way I interact in my world. I have the ability to change my thoughts, my Self and my future. I have the ability to change my life.